By Barry Wilcox
Originally posted on Gospel2Gates
Statement on offsite articles

Part I-GAINING UNDERSTANDING

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.  A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."                                                                                                       -Ecclesiastes 4:9-12  

There are not many men involved in a relationship of accountability.  Perhaps this is due to not knowing how to get started, or that they don’t understand what it entails. Hopefully, through this article, the reader will become equipped and motivated to begin, maintain, and ultimately benefit from having invigorating, open, and vital relationships.

What is accountability?

Simply stated, accountability is being understandable, responsible.  In the context of vital relationships, that translates into mutual commitment and action.  As we help each other through struggles, temptations, and shortcomings, personal strength and growth occur as faith and trust in the other are developed.  A biblical metaphor for this process is "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)  Have you ever noticed what happens when metal comes against metal?  Lay a chunk of steel to a grinding wheel and notice what happens-sparks fly all over the place.  In the same way, men sharpen one another by making contact and smoothing out their rough edges.  Simply put, a relationship built with accountability in mind is one that is challenging, stimulating,  admonishing, and encouraging.  It is going beyond superficial and meaningless greetings (“How’ya doin’?) and the “topics d’jour” of sports and weather.  "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!" (Psalm 133:1)

After reviewing the fifty-some New Testament passages that address how we should interact with each other-the “one-anothers”-you will discover that the level and type of accountability described here transcends any other; the vital relationships centered upon these charges go far beyond any other relationships of accountability-your boss, for instance. Typically, accountability is automatic, expected, and a "part of the job".

The difference with "vital relationship" accountability is that it would not normally occur, or even be expected to occur.  It is voluntary and intentional; not because you have to, but because you want to.  It is specifically for the purpose of producing growth in our Christian lives through appropriately, effectively, and biblically dealing with the struggles and shortcomings in our lives.  But it’s a  consensual relationship: "Do two walk together unless they have made an agreement?" (Amos 3:3)

Why accountability?

A common question men ask is why be accountable? Being the independent creatures we are, the idea

of "needing" other men in our lives does not sit too well with us.  A couple factors that keep men from developing close relationships are pride and fear.  But when we get into "vital" relationships with other men, it will ultimately require us to be vulnerable and transparent, and to admit that we have faults and problems. And that can be quite uncomfortable for most men.

One of the great benefits of accountability is that you will look at your life more closely than ever before.  It will raise your awareness of things that you had perhaps not  thought twice about previously. Because of proper accountability, eventually your actions and behavior will change, this effected through sharing your struggles with other men, and praying about them together. You will be relieved to discover you are not the only one who experiences difficulty in a certain area, and together you can learn to overcome these.  Enter "iron sharpens iron."

How do I find an accountability partner?

Begin by praying for God to reveal whom you can explore the possibility of an accountability relationship. Start with the men in your closest circle of friends-church, work, wherever you have met believers.  A good accountability partner candidate is: 1) another bible-believing, Christ-professing man; 2) someone you enjoy spending time with; 3) a peer, someone who is your "equal"; 4) someone in whom you can build solid trust.  Over time, it’s likely that intimate and sensitive issues will be discussed.  And limit the number of relationships you have at this level-“A man of many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Prov. 18:24)  (Let it be known that if you’re married, you MUST first be accountable to your wife.  Though there may be issues that are more easily understood, man-to-man, there is wisdom in asking your wife to pray for your personal struggles.  Recall that your prayers could be hindered by not living with your wife in an “understanding way.” 1Pet. 3:7)

Part II-PLAY BALL!

There are many things that “just happen”, but this is not so with accountability.  And it probably won’t come quickly or easily, nor without commitment and work.  Developing the requisite trust in meaningful and vital accountability relationships takes place over time.  Realize, too, that some men will shy away from this level of relationship, so it’s easy to become frustrated.  To avert this possibility, begin developing accountability with others in easier, less-threatening areas such as personal prayer and bible study, and family issues.  Over time, and through demonstrated mutual trust and commitment, relationships will transcend to deeper levels.

Consider the following diagram of a baseball diamond that depicts the process of relationship development.  This is a way, and not necessarily the only way, this could occur.

As in the game of baseball, there are 3 bases plus home plate.  Similarly, the object is to “get home”, which in this example is to become Christ-like.  Note that relationships begin as Acquaintances, and develop through Friendships and Brothers.  This process evolves in phases, noted along the base paths as form, storm, norm, and perform.  (These terms are not original, and are “borrowed” from work group literature.)

Conversation among Acquaintances may involve deep topics like sports, weather, or cars! However, as the relationship progresses, each others’ beliefs, interests, and goals may be discovered.  “Storms” may arise as a result of conflict from disagreements and unfulfilled expectations.  To the degree of mutual compromise and willingness to work through conflict will be the distance that will be achieved while heading down the baseline to becoming Brothers.  This commitment is an essential foundation for holding up the building blocks of a meaningful relationship.  (It should be noted that, due to limited human emotional capacities, we can manage only a few of this kind of relationship; the reality is that most relationships will reach only 1st or 2nd base.)

It is hard to determine how long will it take to move from 1st to 3rd.  Factors like personality compatibility,   frequency of get-togethers, and similarity of goals will be influential.  Arguably, the greatest factor will be how each other implements the “one-anothers”.  Wouldn’t it be easy to plug in a formula, or add some water and stir, and…VIOLA!…it’s done?  Remember Paul’s words “…to live is Christ”? 

Part III-HEADING FOR HOME

"The highest proof of true friendship is the intimacy that holds nothing back and admits the friend to share our inmost secrets.”                                               -Andrew Murray

Going to third-Brothers

As the relationship develops, you hopefully will begin to experience the closeness and openness of true friendship. Also, weathering any "storms" on your way to 2nd base will cause a new “norm” to take place in the relationship: functioning from mutual respect and complementary perspectives/goals.

Now is the time to get serious about accountability.  Set up a schedule of regular meeting times-weekly or monthly, consistency is important.  Also, consider imposing an "oath of confidentiality" for relationship/group. Issues brought up among each other must not be discussed with others-these don’t leave the group. The result will be discussions of a more frank and open nature.  An important component of accountability relationships is  trust.  But be patience in developing this: this process usually takes a fair amount of time and effort.

Heading for home-Christ-likeness

“To live is Christ” (Phil 1:21) is both a journey and a destination.  Until we reach the end of our humanness when we become Christ-like “in the twinkling of an eye”, we spend time on a journey called sanctification.  Sharing our struggles and victories with each, learning how to “one-another”, will, indeed, transform us.

SAMPLE ACCOUNTABILITY QUESTIONS

To maintain the integrity of the relationship, the premier consideration for the purpose of accountability should always be, "Have you been truthful about everything we have discussed?”  Below is a list of general questions you may want to consider.

·         What did you do this week to enhance your relationship with your spouse and/or children?

·         Were you able to spend time with God on a regular basis?

·         Did you receive any particular insight this week, arising from personal or family devotional time?

·         Was there one sin that especially plagued your walk with God this week?

·         Has your integrity been compromised in any way?

·         What spiritual goal did you have, and was it accomplished?

·         What do you see as your number one need for next week?

·         Are the "visible" you and the "real" you consistent?       

·         What was your biggest disappointment? How did you decide to handle it?  Were you thankful?

What was your biggest joy?  Were you thankful?