By Steve Haymond
Originally posted on The Patriarch
Statement on offsite articles

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: In May 1995 I wrote the following letter to the pastor of a church seeking a "Family Pastor" committed to family-based ministry. The church was committed to keeping the family together, but still felt the need for a separated youth ministry for its young people. I wrote this letter in an attempt to challenge them with what would be a radical approach for most churches: having a youth ministry but with no youth group. I pray that it will challenge you the reader as much as it did me in writing it. The letter has been revised and is adapted for print with all names being changed.

Dear Pastor Jim:

Hi, Jim, I hope this letter finds you and your family well. Since our long phone conversations last week I have felt prompted to share some reflections while they are still relatively fresh in mind. First of all, thanks for your stimulating thoughts and gracious listening. I very much enjoyed sharing our hearts as relates to people and ministry. Although it sounds like you as a church are leaning toward having an age separated youth group, may I be so bold as to suggest an alternative approach for your young people: to merge the youth and family goals into one without separating the ages.

Let me explain why I feel this approach is better by describing a hypothetical church. Let us assume that one of the goals of this church is maintaining and/or regaining closeness in family relationships and re-establishing dads as godly spiritual leaders of their families and mentors of their children. Let us also assume that this church establishes this goal because it is "committed to family-based ministry to dads, parents and youth" (quoted from the ministry position sheet you sent). This church feels that Scripture places the responsibility for child-rearing squarely and solely upon parents according to Gen. 18:18-19; Deut. 4:9-10; 6:6-9; all of Proverbs; Mal. 4:6; Luke 1:17; Eph. 6:4; etc. Also, let's assume that our hypothetical church adopts this goal of family-based ministry because it is concerned about the effects on its children of living in a world whose structures (e.g. school), values (e.g. mothers working out of the home) and technology (e.g. TV) already separate family members most waking hours of every day. It is concerned about the effects on its children of living in a world whose values have deteriorated greatly and have even penetrated the church itself, as most alert believers would acknowledge.

Bear with me now, Jim — If all this were true of a church and it stood at a crossroads seeking to decide what kind of a ministry to have for its children and youth in order to accomplish this goal, what approach do you think that church would take?

Please understand, Jim, I have made this hypothetical because I do not want to assume things that may not be true there at Valley Church. But, for sake of discussion, if your goal matches up with what I stated above, I would think that an age-integrated, family-based approach would have the best chance of reaching it. That means that parents and their teens would worship and grow together. That means they would rejoice and mourn together. That means they would serve and witness together. And, Jim, that means there would be no youth group. Let's talk about youth group a minute.

Take my church's own youth group for example. No doubt much spiritual growth took place in the kids who went on the missions trip last Easter. No doubt they learned much about serving others, sharing the Gospel, loving selflessly, praying, suffering hardship, learning humility, depending on God, etc. These are all important goals for youth, but I would be willing to bet that very little was accomplished in terms of the family goal mentioned above. I would think very little could have occurred in terms of turning "the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers." What I mean is that unless a parent sponsor happened to go, there would be no opportunity for any of those 100+ kids to learn all these important things and share all these vital experiences in such a way as to also strengthen family bonds and repair ailing family relationships.

Again, I am not saying youth group activities are in themselves bad (the missions trip changed lives). Rather, I am suggesting that everything that can be accomplished (that is, instruction in the Lord, wholesome activity, service to God and others, reaching unbelievers, keeping kids out of trouble, etc.) through a typical youth activity or trip can also be accomplished through a family-based activity or trip while at the same time re-establishing dads as spiritual leaders in the home, strengthening family relationships and avoiding the peer dependence that occurs in most youth groups. That is why I was so excited to hear of that group of families in your church that is going on a mission trip to an Indian reservation! It is precisely that kind of activity that can teach all those valuable life lessons, provide plenty of peer group exposure with parent(s) present, and have great potential for re-establishing parent-child relationships that have been strained. Again, family-based ministry can do everything that a youth group can do and much more, while greatly reducing peer problems and potentially strengthening family bonds. That's good news—not surprising since it lines up with biblical teaching on the family.

Now let me say a few words about this peer issue I have raised. The need for reducing negative peer influence and replacing it with the influence of godly parents is certainly not new with me. Proverbs 22:15 makes it quite clear that children are by nature spiritually foolish (= not following the ways of God). After all, never once have I needed to instruct my children on how to be selfish, deceitful, greedy, or unkind! Not once have I needed to show my child how to take the biggest piece of cake or grab his favorite toy from a sibling. These things come naturally.

As parents we intellectually acknowledge this total depravity in our children. But it seems to stop with our minds. If we really believe our children are foolish by nature and vulnerable and susceptible (like the "young man lacking sense" in Proverbs 5), why do we group them together so much apart from our direct guidance as parents? Children (esp. younger ones), when given enough time and opportunity, will follow their nature and will soon do in the absence of their parents what they would never do in their presence (assuming good discipline in the home, of course). Why is this? Well, it certainly is not the child's fault. I think we can only blame ourselves as parents. Many of us parents seem unaware of the danger of peer dependence because we ourselves are peer dependent and, like the proverbial frog in boiling water, have slowly adopted the values of the world almost unawares. Our children are merely following us. And the sad part is that all of us suffer. When are we going to wake up and start putting into shoe leather what the Bible teaches about our children? If we would only take to heart the truth of Prov. 13:20 and 1 Cor. 15:33, we would not be so shocked that our church kids have adopted essentially the same moral compass as the world (see Josh McDowell's book Right From Wrong).

Another thing I have seen is that children begin almost immediately to transfer their loyalty from parents to peers when exposed to peers apart from parental oversight and relationship. I saw something of this take place recently when a family joined us for a weekend at the beach. My daughter and the daughter of our friends (both 8 years old) were drawn like magnets to each other (again, not bad in itself). I noticed that my daughter's behavior (and attitude) were negatively affected and we were with her! Now they didn't do anything terrible, but I purposely observed them and was greatly struck by the power of peer relationships. After the weekend, I commented to my wife that I was glad to have our daughter back again!

One other facet of this issue is that when children are under the influence of peers, there will be value confusion. The reason is that, as you well know, there are widely divergent values from one family to the next—even among Christians. What is OK for one child is not OK for another, and the vast array of choices presented to each child through their peers causes doubt and insecurity. As a result, parents become unnecessarily embroiled in a battle to maintain their standards and decisions in the face of great pressure. As you know, when faced with this barrage, only the strongest of parents don't cave in and lower their standards. Ironically, the strongest of parents probably won't face this pressure much simply because they wisely limit and monitor the exposure of their children to peers. They do so because they know that peers plus depravity is too powerful for them to match. They humbly realize that peers are in many ways more influential than parents and hence act accordingly to protect their children. As for the charge of overprotection or not being "socialized", I would only say that all children will certainly be socialized by someone; the important issue is by whom. As parents we have the privilege and biblical responsibility to "socialize" our kids according to God's ways.

Along this line, I just heard a news story this morning about a study just released from London. It concluded that problems of crime, drugs, rebellion, etc. among today's youth were traceable to two major issues: a) lack of communication between parents and kids and, b) a youth culture that cuts off parents from their children. I just about drove off the road when I heard it! If a secular study recognizes the importance of the parent-child relationship and the power of the youth culture over our children, we Christians should certainly recognize it and take steps to combat it. (Forgive me if I sound like I am preaching to the choir here, Jim, but if we are doing it right, why are our church kids turning out the way they are?)

As to the issue of rebellious teens who already have little relationship with their dads and are already heavily swayed by the youth culture, you are right in saying they may need other adults to help "turn" their hearts toward reconciliation with parents. But let me ask you: What better context is there for finding godly and mature mentors and for "turning" the rebellious heart to reconciliation than in a setting of godly, mature adults who are passionate about their children's welfare and are also committed to reconciliation? Both the other adults and the parent of that rebellious teen will be present in a family-based activity, thus optimizing the possibility of forgiveness, reconciliation, and communication. I see the task of the third party adult mentor as doing all he can to assist in bringing about reconciliation with parents. Of course, all of this presumes a strong and unwavering commitment of parents to their kids, Jim. Parents must be spiritually strong, personally accountable, and leading by example, the more mature ones mentoring and helping the ones who are struggling because of poor past choices.

As to the issue of the expectations of people in your church, may I offer some thoughts? Being at present in a state of flux with regard to youth leadership as you are now, and being desirous as church leaders of focusing on family needs (evidenced by the name of the position you are offering: Family Pastor), your church could be in a very unique position to take this bold step toward family-integrated youth work. If you were to gather all the parents of your youth and ask them to share their goals for their kids, I think you would find that the family-based approach would best reach those goals. You may also find parents who are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve them.

I agree that you must not lead a church in a direction that its people will not follow or in a direction for which they are not ready. However, it was evident by what you said that you do not as a church desire the full-blown youth group approach and that you struggle (as do all churches) with societal and peer influences upon the kids. It is my humble opinion that if you try to do both (i.e. meeting jointly with families and also separately as a youth group), you will by the pressures of society and your own youth, end up doing the full-blown youth group somewhere down the line anyway, thus making it harder (in my opinion) to reach your goal for family-based ministry. If you disagree with that assessment or if that scenario does not bother you, then, of course, you should move in the direction God leads you. In any event, I would strongly recommend that you talk with all your parents to determine just what it is that they need and desire for their kids as well as what they are willing to do to help. I am sure that you have been careful not to assume they really want something until all other viable options have been presented to them. Perhaps you have probably already done all this and feel you have exhausted all the ideas. If so, great; God will lead you as you depend on Him.

Jim, we Christians lament the direction of our society and its influence upon our children, yet I believe we continue to do things that contribute to the problem, starting especially with our own lukewarmness toward God and our responsibility as parents. Somehow we have come to feel that dropping our kids off at Sunday School or youth group fulfills our obligation to "train up a child in the way he should go" when in reality it merely sets the stage for the creation of a "generation gap", courtesy of today's youth culture. Unless we parents wake up, get our eyes back on God, and get focused on our parenting, the problem will continue. We need parents who understand that parental accountability for their children cannot be delegated to others. Realizing the buck stops with them, we need parents who will make sacrifices for their kids. We need parents who are willing to take bold measures, Jim, for gone are the Puritan days when society was kind to kids and the things of God. Our children need protection while they are young so they can stand strong for God on their own later and so they can reach their potential for his kingdom. our kids are suffering and many Christian parents have adopted the world's way of doing things for too long. I urge you as a church to continue to think biblically and boldly on these issues. Even if you disagree with the solution I propose or the reasoning I give, the very discussion of these realities among parents may motivate parents (esp. dads) to do whatever it takes to recapture the hearts of their children. It will take time, humility, courage, and much prayer, but it is never too late! Hang in there!

That is about all I wanted to say at this point, Jim. Forgive me if I seem too forward in sharing all this. As I told you on the phone, I have strong feelings on these things, but I really don't want to come across like I am preaching at you. These are my convictions based on scriptural principles, but I recognize you may see things differently. I would merely challenge you with these thoughts and ask that you wrestle with them in your heart as you search the scriptures and pray for guidance. Thanks for listening, Jim, and may God bless your ministry there at Valley Church.

Respectfully yours in Christ, Steve Haymond.